i need you like i need a kick in the head.

drunkenrantjournal

Sun, 06 May 2007 09:56:14 GMT

i got to deejay again for my friends andrew and dallin and one of their over the top fabulously gay parties. with a drag show of course. i really like playing dj, but...

i'm fucking lonely. i desperately just want a cute girl that i can fall asleep next to at least a couple of times a week. can i at least make out with the same girl more than once and with someone more than once every coupla full moons? i need to cut my hair off and stop wearing cute little kid shirts. all i ever get is hit on by guys and apparently everyone always thinks i'm gay or at least bi and i'm fucking not. it was flattering at first but now i'm just bitter about it.

well, i guess i occasionally make friends with the way cute girl that wants to see me once in a while when all her other plans fall thru so she can bitch about life to someone who always listens. yeah but after a while i'm thinking fuck you. literally.

ok, i may not agree 100% with all of this tomorrow, but at least 90%. time to pass out.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:24:37 GMT

I've just started hanging out with a way cool awesome girl. She makes lots of art and music. She likes to camp a lot. She likes to climb on buildings and sleep on roofs. she has a little tattoo of a treble clef symbol and basically, is really, really cute. we went and got coffee tonight and smoked cigarettes on my fire escape before she left.

if only i had more free time to hang out. to be honest, my classes are way fun and easy and don't really feel like school at all. but i'm so excited to be done with them. i'm desperately ready for some chillaxin (chillin and relaxin). i have way too many hobbies and interests to work 2 jobs and go to school all the time. so many things i want to do. never enough time. i'm way bummed that for the first time i can't go on tour with ryan this month. He always does the same route around the west coast once or twice a year. We've ended up making friends here and there and i'm sad i won't get to see any of them. however, i'm in debt and in class still. and there will always be other trips. some friends are talking of going on a road trip in the next month or so to chicago, and some others are talking about driving to vancouver. both would be really fun. so hopefully one of those will materialize.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 01:17:18 GMT

i spent all day downloading early 90s music for the cinco de mayo gender bender party i'm going to pretend to dj with my laptop. and i went shopping at the asian store over on 9th south. that store rules. i hadn't been there in quite a while. today was a good day.

at least it was. now i'm feeling all anxious for some reason. i think i'm going to cancel the plans i have with one person. she flaked on me earlier today so HAH! take that! so many girls. so much flakiness. girls are like my dandruff. haha what the hell am is saying? i don't even know any more, but i'm finding it funny. maybe make plans with some other people. or maybe i'll just hide in my apartment. i do have a captain planet tape i've been meaning to watch. then again, that's only about half an hour long. i need to get off the fucking internet.

TONIGHT:

Social Anxiety vs. Loneliness

WHO WILL WIN?

yes! i found my digital camera behind my bed!

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 06:26:56 GMT

my deaf neighbors posted this on their door a while ago. i am amazed and so happy i get to see this every time i come and go from my apartment.

ouch! my feelings. my insecurity. owww....

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 05:21:12 GMT

having a crush sucks. almost as much as not having one. i get so few of them that its gut wrenching when they start to not go the way i want them to. i don't really date girls that often. i hope i don't come on too strong or get too clingy when i do. i hate feeling so awkward. i hate getting mixed signals. i wish i knew if i'm wasting my time here. i wish people communicated their feelings more. i wish i was psychic. my life would be much easier.

graham crackers in bed.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 09:42:27 GMT

some of my longest running friendships are some of the most superficial ones. this makes me want to cry.

i'm worried that self expression doesn't have much left to say. quite often i feel like i just want to shave my head and be naked all the time. and live in a cave or shack far away. is this bad?

fuck. even griping about this shit makes me feel cliche. that's right. keep it at least a little vague so its not so scary to say to whoever is reading this. drop little tidbits of what you're really thinking so you still get to vent, but not feel quite so exposed.

i have no idea what i want out of life. i'm just tired of feeling so afraid all the time.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 09:18:08 GMT

i wrote this entry a couple weeks ago, but then suddenly my internet connection failed and didn't work for a little while, which it tends to do. oh well. at least its free. i saved what i wrote on my computer and um, here it is.

today i finish recording my shit on our demo cd whether i like it or not. this has dragged on for too long and i'll feel so much better once i finally finish this. today, i plan to consume as much caffeine as possible and stay at the practice studio all night if i have to.

i'm starting to see the ovarall arch of a pretty big depressive episode that i've been in for the last little bit. i'm still in it, but it helps a lot when i start to get a better grasp of how its been affecting my thoughts and actions: social anxiety. serious regret for every major decision i've made in my life. longing to be back in other places in my past which always look better through fuzzy memories. trying to get up and get going for the day and feeling like i'm trying to run through a swimming pool. i bought my first pack of cigarettes in a long time. oh well. we've been through this before. a few a day for a few months won't kill me.

i thought i had this beat. at least for a while i did.

my ex is moving out of town, which means we won't we be working together any more. i think it will be good for me. i hate how much i miss her still after all this time. funny, i broke up with her 6 months ago and she still finds ways to make me feel shitty about myself. a few weeks ago, we started to hang out again for the first time since we broke up. she had a going away party last week. towards the end of the night when we both had a lot of drinks in us, she told me some things about our relationship and our breakup that i had suspected all along. how she was avoiding me all the time and hanging out with the guy she dated before me, starting to like him again. way to dig up old wounds. thanks.

oh wait. i just checked and some of this already got posted a while back. well, read it again fuckers because i don't feel like deleting it. i tend to write in this more when i've been drinking so deal with it. good night. sorry for everything even though i know you don't care or mind. ok. i need to quit before i type anything else. sorry again for everything.

everyone just needs to lay around and make out and cuddle and talk all night...

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 08:45:48 GMT

...and all the world's most serious problems will be solved.

tomorrow i finish recording my shit on our demo cd whether i like it or not. this has dragged on for too long and i'll feel so much once i finally finish this. i plan to consume as much caffeine as possible and stay at the practice studio all night if i have to.

i'm starting to see the ovarall arch of a pretty big depressive episode that i've been in for the last little bit. i'm still in it, but it helps a lot when i start to get a better grasp of how its been affecting my thoughts actions: social anxiety. serious regret for every major decision i've made in my life. longing to be back in other places in my past which always look better through fuzzy memories. trying to get up and get going for the day and feeling like i'm trying to run through a swimming pool.

i thought i had this beat. at least for a while i did. my ex is moving out of town, which means we won't we be working together any more. i think it will be good for me. funny, i broke up with her 6 months ago and somehow she still finds ways to make me feel shitty about myself.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 06:07:19 GMT

Love you.

noooooo.......

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 04:41:26 GMT

i got sick again. this isn't funny.

crappy valentine's day everyone!

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 07:48:14 GMT

this holiday always depresses me. i've only had one good valentine's day in my entire life and it was a few years ago when i saw GWAR play at area 51 with goat whore. i wouldn't say it was too romantic of an evening, but it sure as hell beat every other year. there are only 2 different years that i can think of that i even had a significant other over v day, and both times our relationship was kind of on the rocks. oh well. maybe next year.

then again, i talked to wendy at contender bikes today and she asked if i was going to ted dancin at urban lounge tomorrow night. i've never been to the ted dancin thing, but i hear its pretty cool, so i think i might go check it out. maybe i'll get lucky and get a kiss from a cute dancin girl. that would be neat. i could really use that right now. kissing is awesome and i haven't done very much of it in the last year. this needs to change.

i went dumpstering for the first time in a couple years with caleb tonight. we hit up all the good old spots i used to go to, but alas, nothing!

mystical metaphors

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 06:01:17 GMT

rat runs out to the street from the gutter. gets hit by a car trying to take a bite from a piece of trash.

the ongoing struggle of awkward teen hunger force.

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 23:57:12 GMT

a few times in the past when i've gotten like this i've been told that i look like a puppy dog that's just been kicked. but who's kicking me? i'm so tired of feeling afraid and insecure all the time. i keep getting all lonely, but afraid to call anyone. this is irrational and all in my head. i know this, but it doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with. i've also been getting way paranoid about what people say about me when i'm not around. i do my best to be nice and not ever cross anyone. but it seems like so many people around me talk so much shit on other people. it seems logical to assume they talk about me when i'm not around too. i miss being confident in myself. well, looking back, i guess it comes and goes.

i played risk last night with some old roomates and friends that i haven't hung out in a long time. drunken arguments over who's attacking who for what reasons are hilarious. however, me getting really stoned and knocking over pieces and occasionally mixing up my grey pieces with someones else's very similar looking green pieces, not so funny, more embarrasing actually. oh well. it was still fun.

i need to meet a new cute girl. all the girls i hang out with are ex's, old buddies, or in relationships. i need to stop being so shy. i was so outgoing for a while and it just kind of faded away without me noticing.

it seems like more and more people in my life are starting to smoke a lot of weed and drink a lot more. not that i have a problem with it, since i drink and smoke weed. i don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it, but i get get scared some times that we're all slowly sliding down this slippery slope into being druggies and fucked up people. wow. there's lot of alliteration in that sentence. that was completely unintentional.

fuck this. i just need to stop beating myself up inside and not give a fuck.

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 22:30:27 GMT

everything keeps going wrong and making my life extremely difficult and exhausting. i had one of those hands to the sky "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" moments when yesterday some bolts on my new bike broke on my way to su casa and i couldn't get them off to fix it because they were so stripped. i haven't been able to go more than a week in the last few months without something bad happening to my bike. i'm wearing myself the fuck out running around town so much to barely catch the bus to barely make it to work or school. i kind of broke down and freaked out at work last night and had to leave. god it was so embarrasing. it was kind of like when i used to have panic attacks pretty frequently. i just started balling in the middle of the office. (sigh) oh well, at least its not too far till the weekend.

um, crap. my phone no longer functions.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 02:30:56 GMT

a friend of mine spilled her drink all over the front of me. soaking my cell phone which was in my pocket. i turned it off as quickly as i could, hoping that it would work ok once it dried out. now when i turn it on, all i see is a faintly glowing black screen. nothing else.

oh well. not that i can afford a new phone right now, but that one was kind of crappy and falling apart. until i get a new one though, if you need to tell me something, try email. or come knock on my door. leave a note if i'm not there. just slide 'em under the door. it'll be neat. i'll have all these secret messages waiting for me when i get home. this could catch on. maybe i should start a citywide note-passing courier service.

i could use the extra money right now. after moving, buying christmas presetns and all kinds of crap for my apartment, and work being closed for a couple of different days for the holidays, i am extremely broke.

we are electrocution.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 05:31:58 GMT

picture of the day:

i saw a web page of the worst album covers of all time. this is totally my new desktop background. no band practice tonight (sigh). james's car won't start. its a usual thursday night. everyone's going to vortex. we'll see.

there's fire at my fingertips!

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 07:24:08 GMT

bwah haha! i finally have free working wireless internet at my apartment. now i can geek out on this thing ALL the time!

hooray for you and me and everything!

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 23:58:40 GMT

i have this awesome habit of only liking girls that it is impossible for me to date. totally fantastic. seriously. its great.

so i'm finally going back to school! well, one class, but its a start. its been 5 years since i have been a student, and since i'm still working 2 jobs, i think i need to ease back into it. my mood gets all topsy-turvy this time of year too, so i don't too much stress could cause a freakout or breakdown of some kind. but i'm reall excited. i've been talking about going back for a long time now and i think i will feel a lot better about myself once i actually start.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:23:15 GMT

my new apartment rules. i have high ceilings, wood floors, and an amazing few out over the whole salt lake valley. also i found out after i already had moved in that i don't have to pay electricity, because the building is super old and apparantly i share a meter with the apartment next to me. oh, and they're also putting in a wireless intenet router soon.

I had a great breather from slc last weekend. ryan (agape) had a show in las vegas with anavan, and then another one in LA with a whole bunch of other bands. as usual, i tagged along as the roadie/merch guy. anavan, by the way, is an amazing band that just came out with an album on GSL records this year, so if you're into that whole scene, then you should come to the club vortex new years eve party. among other exciting things going on, agape and anavan are going to play. since its a sunday night, most clubs downtown apparantly are going to be closed anyway, so what else are you going to do? eh? eh?

in other less awesome news, i came down with the virus from hell late late friday night. i was up until about 9am saturday, puking sporadically, unable to even keep water down. and on my first 2 day weekend off in months. i was looking forward to it so much. oh well. my schedule at su casa changed so i'll have every sat and sun off from now on.

so who wants to go sledding? i do. there's all this snow everywhere. it needs to be sled on. who wants to go?

eat till you explode. and then eat your mom's face.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 21:56:52 GMT

HAPPY T.G. EVERYONE!

may the great turkey bring forth mighty presents upon your home. and may the ghost pilgrim of thanksgiving past not terrorize you in the night.
i finally moved into my apartment. well, sort of. there has been delay upon delay in getting the new floor installed, so they're letting me stay in one of the other empty apartments rent free until mine is ready, which, alledgedly, will be by this weekend. and they said they'd help me move my furniture. oh, and since everyone keeps asking me the question "why don't you move into the apartment you're in now?" its an old building. the apartments are all different. mine is way cooler than the one my stuff is in now, albeit more expensive. i am getting so very anxious to unpack. 90% of what i own has been in boxes since july.

since neither of our families live in salt lake, allie and i are celebrating thanksgiving together. i'm waiting for her to get off work at coffee break right now. we're going to make vegan turkey pot roast, mashed potatos, green beans, salad, garlic bread, and pie. we also have apple cider. i wanted to make it hard apple cider with brandy in it, but alas, i didn't think of it in time and the liquor store is closed today. oh well. i have a miniature bottle of wine the eve gave me when i helped her move last week. its enough for 2 small glasses. its really funny actually. i wonder where i can buy those.

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 20:24:45 GMT

aw, i'm so disappointed. due to complications in installing the new floor in my apartment, its not going to be ready for another couple of days.

good news and more good news.

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 19:46:21 GMT

random picture of the day:

this is weetzie bat (or usually just weetzie). she lives here at hawkes court and is the best dog ever. every day when i come home from work, she insists that we wrestle before i do anything else. basically, she jumps around spastically until i push her to the floor and rub her belly. she's very loyal and protective of everyone in the house, but once you've been over a few times and she knows that you're okay, she treats you like everyone else. she's a really good dog, and i'm going to miss seeing her every day because...

the good news:

i got an apartment and i'm moving in on sunday! its a pretty spacious studio on 1st ave and E street. its on the 4th floor and big southward facing windows with an awesome view of downtown. i'm so excited that i'm obnoxiously spastic. i've been wanting this for a really long time. i've never had a place that's been completely mine. everywhere i've lived i've always been moving into someone else's place. hawkes court has been great and love everyone here a lot, but its definitely time to go. i think sharing a room with my sister is starting to stress us both out a bit. so hooray! and huzzah! and all other words like that too.

more good news:

i was trying on coats and grunts and postures and i found a dollar in the pocket of one. neat!

grrr!!! argh!!! no!!!

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 22:22:49 GMT

yesterday i found this really cool apartment and this morning i dropped off an application with a $200 deposit required for them to run a background check, which i get back of course if i'm not approved. so the aparment manager calls me and tells me i'm approved and we agree to meet tomorrow morning to sign the lease. hooray!! i was so excited. then 5 minutes later she calls me back and says, oh sorry. i guess my husband already rented that one out. but we have these other 2 available, which i had already looked at and are shitty. i guess they also have a couple more opening up soon. she didn't say how soon. i'm sure i'll check those out, but until then, the search continues...

blurgh!! (that's how i feel)

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 05:38:48 GMT

i'm starting to act like a senior citizen. almost every night that i go out with my friends i get tired way before the night is over and just go home. i don't feel sick or especially depressed or anything like that. maybe i've just lost my ability to party. maybe i should go find it, wherever it is.

psshh.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 09:39:25 GMT

random picture of the day:

.
for some odd reason, in the past 2 days, i've had a lot of people compliment these shoes. not to say they're coolest fucking shoes ever or anything, but not that they're not pretty cool either. i've had them for quite a while, and i wear them almost every day. anyways, its weird how theings always come in waves. like suddenly the same topic will come up in conversation several times with several unrelated people in a short period of time. i think jung called it synchronisity. regardless, on the occasional times that i notice it, i think it is neat and interesting.

where all da groovas n hip shakas at?

allie and i owned the dance floor at urban tonight. like noone else could touch it. bands were pretty good.